Saturday, July 31, 2010

lackluster post

wow, that really makes you want to read a post, eh?

This week for me has been completely lackluster. Maybe it is something I should have anticipated since it was our first week back from vacation.

I still have the cool sea breeze in my mind, some left over sand on the soles of my shoes and my swimsuit still smells like salt water. Combine those sweet memories with deadlines, e-mails, voice mails, newsletters and meetings--it really drags out the week and half of my brain is still in Hilton Head.

So I am in transition. Hardly is it the worst thing that has ever happened to me and clearly my life isn't so bad if the things I worry about are adjusting into reality from a dreamy vacation. I guess for a week, we as a family were able to get away and not think about life. We were able to get up, watch cartoons, make breakfast and decide to either beach it or pool it--not difficult. Now our minds are back from their break and we have been thrown back into the complexity of our thoughts.

I've been thinking a lot about Jessie Russo and her family. Jessie is a fellow panda who was involved in a car accident with 7 other girls on their way home from spring back. The class of 2010 lost a dear person, and left Jessie with a brain injury. She has been in the hospital since April, and today, is her second day back from Georgia. I am proud of her accomplishments, but ache because I know the journey of recovery is still a long road.

I've been thinking about another college classmate and her son. Her son had end-stage renal disease and just received his mother's kidney--I've been praying for a successful recovery and just imagine how different my life would be if my son were sick.

I've been thinking about a dear friend who has been through a divorce and her trying to find her way back into society as a strong, single mother.

I've been thinking of my best friend who is fighting her way through school--with a year down and almost 2 years to go--the determination she has to finish (and finish well) is amazing, but when I talk to her on her "bad" days I feel awful because there isn't much I can do other than listen, pray and be a good friend.

I am thinking of my sister who on her way to their family vacation had a scary thing happen--their tire completely busted open all over the roadway. I am praying for their safe trip home.

I've also done a lot of thinking about me, my family and wanting so badly, a baby. I went to the doctor (that doctor...) on Thursday and he asked how my baby was. I sad, "he's not a baby anymore--he is three" and he said, "well, it's time to have another one". I wanted to cry. I know it's time, it's been time---for a very long time. Money, stress, our jobs have just prevented us from having another baby. My twin has been blessed with a healthy baby girl and to see her son interact with his baby sister is a magical thing to witness, yet it pierces me in the heart because I want for my son to be a big brother--I want to give him that gift and I don't know when that gift will arrive. Deacon has seen his baby cousin several times and each time he says, "mommy, I kiss her on her foot?" I say, yes. Then he says, "Mommy, I kiss her on her cheek?" i say, yes. Then he says, "Mommy, I gentle with my baby cousin?" I say, "Yes, Deacon, you are so gentle." Then he says, "Mommy, I want a baby sister...no no, I want a baby brother." UGH! I know sweet child. I wish I could call the stork but they are on back order.

I know people mean well when they ask when Doug and I plan to have another baby--but it is almost like a slap in the face each time that question is posed--one more reminder that I am not pregnant. I don't get upset, because I know their intentions weren't malicious--but I do cry when I am alone--and I pray that God bless our family with another baby. Actually I pray that God delivers me acceptance. Acceptance that this life is not mine. This life is His--I have ask Him to steer it for me and I am to do His will. I am to follow His plan and when He is ready to bless us with a baby, He will. But sometimes I just want to say, ENOUGH already. God, don't you see---WE are ready?!

I am ready for a baby. I am ready to give a great gift to my son--to be a brother...because what a wonderful brother he will be.

My apologies for a "depressing" post, just needed to get these thoughts off my chest I guess.

I hope to post a more cheerful story soon...

2 comments:

  1. Emily Bodner BilliterAugust 1, 2010 at 3:37 PM

    Anne, I hope you don't mind, but I followed the link to your blog from Facebook and I wanted to let you know I was touched by this post on pregnancy. I have very many of the same feelings, only it's a bit different because my husband and I struggle with infertility. It's scary and difficult and upsetting because I don't know if I will ever be a mother. I know what its like though when others are getting pregnant or people ask. They don't mean anything by it and they don't know the can of worms they are opening up! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that even though our situations are a little different, you are definitely not alone (although sometimes it feels that way!). Everything you feel is totally normal too because I feel the same way. I know that God has a plan for me and my husband too, I just wish I knew what it was!

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  2. Emily, so glad you are following my blog and I want you to know that you and your husband are in my prayers--

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