Sunday, June 6, 2010

I want you to want me

I guess since I have grown up with music in my life since birth--I associate it with life in general..and anytime I can relate my life to a particular lyric or song or singer...don't think that I wont!  Today was one of those days..driving home looking at my sweet sun-kissed boy just wanting him to want me again, to need me.  My 3 year old gave me a glimpse today of his independence.  Might I insert a little tangent.  Ever since he could walk Deacon wanted independence--but it was never officially his...he'd always know he could find Doug or me to rescue him.  That is what I call a stubborn independence, or "fake it till I make it."

Today, however was different.  My sister Kathy invited us to their swim club for a few hours before heading to a family party--I gladly jumped in my car with Deacon and sped my way to the pool.  Deacon doesn't know much about pools, aside from the tiny blow up ones we have at home--so before, pools tend to send him into a panic attack!

The day started out very much like I anticipated: Deacon clawed into my neck and wouldn't let go of me---he even gave me that look of, "why in the heck did I say this would be fun?!"  So we hugged tight and snuggled in the pool while we sang songs and comforted one another...him from his fear of the water and my fear of having to let my boy grow up.

We then got out of the pool had a nutritious lunch of fake cheese and sodium (pretzel).  Next thing I know, Deacon asks to go into the pool (baby pool) and as I got up to go with him he sternly says, "Mommy, no go wit me, you watch over der, I am good mommy."  So like a good momma bird I eyes darting every which way, making sure he wasn't in danger.  There were a few times he got to a part that was too deep and he usually find his way back and when I'd go to get him, he yell, "MOMMY I am GOOD!"  Sitting back at my seat, crushed, I just kept watching him and my sister's neighbor said, "look Anne, he doesn't even need you anymore!" and I replied, "yeah but I kind of need him to need me."

I am not ready to let go.  Granted, I still need to keep close watch on him since he is only 3, but lets face it--he is getting older, and capable of learning things and figuring them out on his own--and I am not OK with this.  Maybe it's because I don't have a little running around this moment who does truly need me.  Maybe I am sad that he is growing to fast and I haven't developed a magic potion to stop it, all I know is that I will never not 'worry'.  My head is telling me that this is awesome--he is becoming self sufficient, he is learning social roles and how to play and share and make friends.  He learning to take risks (like swimming with only swimmies and not me, AND rushing down a water slide, even after he fell over and went head first) these are all things that Doug and I as parents have taught him how to be--but my heart is crying.  My heart wants my little holy man wrapped in my arms where I can I love and snuggle and never let go--but I have to.

I have a feeling that years down the road, I'll still have this anxiety--just as I do today.  I will worry when he goes to kindergarten, his first dance, to the mall by himself, drives, goes out with friends, etc. etc.  I don't mean worry in a bad way, but just in the "I'll hold my breath and squint my eyes and cross my fingers and HOPE that he is 'ready'."

We had a great day, I had a wonderful learning moment in parenthood and Deacon just showed his age a little better today.  I am one happy momma.

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