Tuesday, March 25, 2014

30 in 30: My sweet boys

This is the seventeenth article in my 30 in 30 challenge, where I write 30 things I’m thankful for in the 30 days leading up to my thirtieth birthday.

One of the greatest moments in my life was when I became a mother.
Doug and I agreed that we wanted to wait a few years before having kids. The biggest reason was that I wanted to finish school and begin my career before bringing babies into the world. We also wanted to be out of our apartment and into a home.

God had different plans (As he ALWAYS does).

Doug and I had only been married for two months when the two lines on the First Response test sealed our fate. Ready or not, we were parents. So needless to say, the day I found out I was pregnant with Deacon, we sorted through a bag of mixed emotions. I think we both were just wondering if we were really ready to be parents.

At 10 weeks, we had an ultrasound and any fear and doubt we both had about raising a child vanished. Looking at the monitor and seeing that tiny life swirling around inside my body was unlike anything I have ever felt before. The emotion I experienced I never knew existed. Doug locked eyes with me and we both knew we were going to be just fine.

I felt so confident, strong and beautiful when I was pregnant with both my boys, I am convinced it was because it was their beauty shining through.

The day I became a mother was the greatest day in my life. I was lucky enough to experience that type of love twice. With both of my deliveries, the love that filled the room was undeniable and everlasting. The sheer intensity of the love I have for my children could really knock me off my feet.

Deacon and Cohen are the reasons why I am a mother and I am so grateful to them for that. I am blessed that God chose those two boys to have my heart forever. I am so honored that I get to parent with Doug. When I announced my second pregnancy, people actually asked me if I was hoping for a girl. When I told them I was having a boy, some people, I’m sure, wanted to send me sympathy cards. Their next question was, “So, do you think you’ll ever try for a girl.” My response was, “No, we only try for babies.” There is a reason why I have two boys and if Doug and I decide to have a third, I will be just as excited for the pregnancy regardless of the sex of the baby.

It’s hard to feel disappointed in what you are having, when you just see a baby for what it is, life-- a cherished, special, beautiful human that needs to be loved unconditionally.

I am thankful to my children because it is through them that I am learning that not only do my kids need me, but I need them just as much. I may be their mother: a boo-boo kiser, a hugger, a singer, a peek-a-boo-I-see-youer, a personal chef, a let’s build blocks and knock them down doer, and sometimes a tough love giver, but what I receive in return is so much more. They have made me a better person. Their belly laughs melt away the sometimes harsh realities of life. When they snuggle up with me, it’s a reminder I am needed. The notes Deacon leaves on the kitchen table show me that I am valued. The way Cohen twirls my hair around his finger before bedtime shows me that I provide comfort and security. The way they say prayers reminds me that God really is the reason for our existence. The kindness they share to others is proof that Doug and I are doing the best we can.

Deacon is a sensitive and compassionate soul. He has taught me give more and love harder. He has also taught me to love who you are and to be confident in that. He also reminds me through his actions to stand up for what is right. An example of this is when a mother told her son that the dance area at the local play center was for girls only, Deacon turned and said, "It can be for boys too!" He has also taught me to get lost in imagination. Whether it's playing legos or building a castle out of blankets, or pretending he is a knight his imagination is infectious.

Cohen is a young soul. He has taught me to find the humor in all of life's situations and to not take life too seriously. His laugh will take your breath away! He has taught me that even if you go-go-go-go all day long, it's still important to slow down and snuggle. He has shown me that I can love all my children the same--your heart expands to fit the love of all your children! He also teaches me to see the wonder in everything. He is a discoverer. It could be a rock he picks up on the side of the road, and to him it is the most amazing thing he has ever seen! 

I am thankful that I was given an unstoppable love for my kids. There really is nothing they can do that will take my love away from them and that’s a love I will protect with all my heart.

To my sweet boys: I know we joke around and play the “I love you more” game, I want to let you in on a little secret: I will always win. I know you won’t understand that now, but you will, someday. The love I have for you both is a love that hurts so good, the thought of how God knew our family was meant to be a family causes me to tear up. I lose sleep, I cry at the hard decisions, I feel weightless with joy when I see you thrive and feel heartache when you suffer. It’s pure and raw love and I do hope that you feel that love from your dad and me every day. I hope I can pass this love on so that you may always carry it in your heart and let it weave into your soul so that you may give that love to others. I thank you for allowing me to experience this love and to be your mother—it’s the greatest gift I have ever received. 

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