I think many of us are familiar with the saying, "I'll forgive, but I won't forget." I'm not sure what purpose the sentence is trying serve. Just take a look at the word "but." When you see that word, everything that comes before it is just filler. When I hear or read that sentence, what I am really hearing or reading is, "I'm telling you I am forgiving you because that's what I'm supposed to do. The real truth is that I am really not forgiving you." Because you are saying you won't forget what was done, you are actually letting them in on your dirty secret, you are just providing them lip service and you are buying yourself time to heal a bit more.
Of course you won't forget what may
have happen or words that were said that upset you, just as you won't ever
forget the good times in your life, so I'm not saying that the "won't
forget" part isn't valid. I do think it's important to always remember
defining moments in your life. Unfortunately-pain and hurt caused by others can
be those moments. Instead of looking back at that moment with bitterness (as
the phrase suggests), we should be looking at it with grace and seeing it for
what it is; a learning moment.
We are really doing ourselves a
disservice by not fully forgiving those who have hurt us, because at the end of
the day, it's us who feel burdened or weighed down by not forgiving others. It
may be years before we realize that our inability to forgive is actually
hardening our spirit.
The act of forgiveness is one of the
hardest life lessons I have learned, but I am grateful that I learned it
earlier in my life, because I no longer am weighed down by it.
I have learned that there are two
sides to forgiveness. The first is when WE are the ones asking for it, and the
second is when we are asked to GIVE it. Which one is tougher? IT's a trick
question because they are both hard. Forgiving others is probably the most
selfless act you can and it shows the person that you still love and care for
them. This is tough when the world around us tells us that we should hold
a grudge and kick that person to the curb.
I was hurt pretty badly in high school
by someone I gave my heart to and as a result I was left with some adult-sized
issues to live with. It's not uncommon to go through a nasty breakup in high
school, but I also know it definitely wasn't common to be treated the way I was.
*I'll insert a tangent here. every
time you date someone new, you are giving them a piece of you away. So, yeah, breakups
at any age are tough.
Anyway, it took several years for me
to work through the heartache and the void I didn't think could ever be filled.
During this time, the two of us were not on speaking terms, so the very thought
of forgiving him hadn't even crossed my mind.
Fast forward a few years to the
wonderful world of Facebook, I was curious if he had a profile, and he did. So
my nosey little but sent the friend request. I received a message from him
asking if I could call him. I reluctantly called hoping he wouldn't answer, but
there he was on the other end saying, "Hello, stranger." In a
nutshell, it began as any other cliché, old flame conversation. Then, out
of nowhere, yet perfectly cued from up above, the conversation took on a more
somber tone. He admitted that the one of the things holding him back was the
fact that our story had never completely finished. He dug up some old, hurt
feelings and once exposed he told me how sorry he was. I told him that I
forgave him. Three words I never thought I would say, came out of my
mouth so easily. It was then that I was freeing him from that guilt, but also
freeing myself from the hurt and pain I had carried all those years.
I did not know that phone
conversation would be one of the most important conversations in my life.
We continued to keep tabs on each
other and on May 27, 2006 I received this email:
“Dad and I are leaving for a 3 day
motorcycle trip this morning. Talk to you soon.”
Upon his return he wrote me back:
“1,268 miles in three days…through
the mountains. Did a stretch called the ‘tail of the dragon’ (twice) that
consists of 318 turns in eleven miles. WHAT A BLAST! I found a new hobby that will certainly be
the end of me.”
He sent that email at 7:08pm on
Wednesday, May 30, 2006. The eery thing about the whole conversation, is later
that night, he died in a motorcycle accident.
Within a minute, a part of me was gone.
The news of his death came as a shock to me, but I know that it would have been
harder to handle had I not forgiven him—I know that my heart would have felt SO
HEAVY. How different my life would have been had the phone conversation never
happened.
If there is just one person reading
this who is struggling with forgiving someone, whether it be a friend, family
member or a significant other, I hope this helps them realize that forgiveness
is a gift that everyone should be able to receive.
Even after all those years, it is
still a struggle to forgive and I do believe there is a process involved, but I
carry the experience I just shared as a reminder that our lives are temporary
and in a matter of seconds it can all be over. Why carry the guilt, pain and
loss? If we knew the secret to getting rid of all that crummy, don't you think
we'd use it immediately? Well, the secret is out.
Forgiveness, you have softened my
heart, opened my eyes and repaired my soul and for that, I am grateful.
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